There is nothing in Gran Canaria except resorts

Nothing, zip, nada, it's all one big tourist ghetto 

Made of cement and old bottles of sunscreen held together with mankini straps

All the palm trees are plastic

And because it never, ever rains

It's so hot and dry that there are no flowers

And because nobody lives here, the only food comes in packages

And we don't mean this kind of package

There are, of course, no local towns or villages

And therefore, no local fiestas or culture

There is definitely nothing to see in Gran Canaria

No mountains, no forests, no landscapes. You might find a rock to sit on, but only if you're lucky

So, just in case you're still thinking of visiting Gran Canaria

The beaches are always packed

The resorts are dated and crowded

Even the weather isn't what it's cracked up to be

Only 320 days of sunshine each year and average temps barely above 20ºC? Pfff!

It's not good enough, especially when the palm trees get shade all over the beach

And somebody put boats on the sand instead of loungers

Ridiculous

Nothing to see here

 No no no!

Coffee comes in jars

The sea is behind you. Get in it!

There you go, it's all over; Gran Canaria has run out of sunshine